THE NIGERIAN GOD

Recently I was going through an article by Elnathan John, and it was tutoring me on how to worship the Nigerian god... Beautiful one. You know one thing the Nigerian god loves is noise. Infact he dwells in it's tabernacle.


The Nigerian god loves to be shouted at when asked to respond to a request. You are only allowed few minutes of murmurings when asking for forgiveness but if you want your enemy to die better start screaming at him as if he were a two year old child who pissed his pants... Probably If you don't shout at him, he won't listen to your petition... The Nigerian god does not see anything wrong in having 10 loud churches in a street who give no damn about the health of their neighbours. His gospel must be heard by all, by fire by force. If you are not singing loudly and dancing wildly, then I'm not sure it's him you are praising. Did I mention he is a lover makosa and his hobby is fire bending.

He does not believe in second chance for he is a consuming fire. The Nigerian god believes all your relatives want your family wiped out. Anyone that crosses your path does not deserve to live. He is a violent god who doesn't care about his creation only those that worship him. He prepares a table before you in the presence of your friends and family. All enemies are not invited. The Nigerian god teaches our children to see old women in the village as witches. Give them money and they will exchange your destiny.

To the Nigerian god, science is balderdash. Your barreness is from a wicked uncle who has swore you will not enjoy your marriage as long as you are married. But the Nigerian god fails to point out you had three abortions when you were in the university. The Nigerian god tells you someone is trying to take your seat when you are handed a query for coming late to office. If your business goes wrong, one mama in the village is sitting on your calabash of glory...

The Nigerian god blesses only the first 50 people to rush to the altar and so a seed of =N=50,000 because 50 is the number of surplus abundance. He doesn't bother to stop even when the number of rushers are above 50 rather he starts reducing the price till he gets to =N=200. He blesses according to the amount you pay... His servants are professionals in sound system mastery. The louder your AMEN, the larger your miracle.

The Nigerian god can't be reached except through his prophets. Unless Daddy-in-the-lord lays his hand on you, you can't embark on that trip else your plane will crash. If pastor tells you that man you have been dating for 8 years, is not the one for you, you can't marry him. The Nigerian god says healing is the children's bread but it can only come through his servants. Doctors are forbidden. Even if your son is dying of malaria. What his pastors can't do, no doctor can. If your son dies, it is his will. For he gives and takes as he wishes...

Inasmuch as the Nigerian god is not a fan of science, he also isn't a lover of arts for he is a commercial god. He believes everything related to art is demonic. Your ornaments were created by the devil and Nigeria is the warehouse of the devil's hobby. He hates makeup because he wants to be sure you're are the one he created when you appear before him during the apocalypse. Deutrionormy 22:5 [sic] Any lady that wears trouser is of the devil [sic]. He sees nothing wrong in putting on wedding rings but anything made of silver and gold were invented by fallen angels.

The Nigerian god is not bothered if you take care of the less priviledged, all he is interested is in you bringing your tithe into his storehouse for his servants to buy private jets with them. He expects you to return back to him with thanksgiving after he enables you win an election you rigged, the job you got after sleeping with your boss and the success of last nights robbery.

Jahover El-selfie: The god of all selfies. Worship him in the holiness of your beauty or beauty of your holiness (Anyone that suits you). Christianity is bae... Bible on fleek... Church tinz on my mind. He enjoys those snapshot and even wants you to snap female attires so you can pick out the perfect design for your next outfit.

The god that says a bottle groundnut oil and a seed of 100,000 produces more results than hardwork. He judges people according to the gravity of their sin. He shouldn't forgive the wicked uncle that killed your father but must forgive you for the "little" lie you told in the office. Are you sure we are worshipping the same God in the Bible? How glorious is the Nigerian god and how marvellous are his works...